By Edgar Snyder, Esq.

More and more women are heeding the “call of the road” and taking to motorcycles. According to the Motorcycle Injury Council, one out of four riders is a woman – and that number is growing. It’s important to remember the role of safety in preventing unnecessary injuries, accidents, and fatalities. Soon female bikers – including those who are widowed or divorced – across the nation will celebrate Memorial Day and kick off another riding season.

May is Motorcycle Safety Awareness Month, so there’s no better time to talk about motorcycle safety and learn how to protect your legal rights as a motorcyclist.

Adequate Insurance: A Biker’s Safety Net

As a widow or someone who’s divorced, you may not be able to rely on anyone else for financial security. Adequate insurance is a must. You should have at least $100,000 per person, and $300,000 per occurrence of Bodily Injury Liability and Uninsured/Underinsured Motorist coverage. If possible, have your motorcycle insurance on the same policy as other vehicles in your household. Also, make sure you have medical coverage on your motorcycle policy or other options for health insurance, because medical benefits on your automobile policy will not apply if you’re injured in a motorcycle accident.

You can make changes to your policy any time, so review it now.

Motorcycle Safety is Your Best Bet

Here are some motorcycle safety tips to keep in mind:

• Proper riding gear is essential to prevent injuries, whether you’re on a cross-country tour or riding around town. Always wear a helmet, protective eyewear, a pair of thick pants, a shirt or jacket with sleeves, and over-the-ankle footwear.
• Try to keep your bike in great shape. If your motorcycle malfunctions, you could be at risk for serious injuries. Check your brakes, tires, controls, lights, and fluid levels before every ride.
• When you’re on the road, be conscious of the vehicles around you. One of the most dangerous situations a biker can face on the road is attempting to merge into a lane with a car, SUV, or truck in their blind spot.
• Consider taking a motorcycle safety course. These courses cover the risks associated with riding, pre-ride inspection checklists, and basic safety standards. Pennsylvania’s Department of Motor Vehicles sponsors courses for all skill levels right here in Pittsburgh.
• Stay as visible as possible. This is especially important at dusk. Keep plenty of distance between you and other vehicles, use your headlights, and wear reflective attire.
• If you’re riding with other motorcyclists, follow the proper group riding formation – the lead rider in the left-third of the lane, the next rider in the right-third of the lane at least one second behind, etc. Always pack a cell phone, first aid kit, and tool kit for emergencies.

The Low-Down on Protecting Your Legal Rights

Motorcycle helmet laws, insurance, and licensing laws vary from state to state. Make sure you’re familiar with the laws wherever you plan to ride so you don’t run into any legal trouble.

Know what do after an accident. First and foremost, call 911 to get medical treatment for anyone who suffered injuries.  When the police arrive, file an accident report so there is an accurate and official description of what happened. Don’t speculate who’s to blame, and try to stay as calm as possible.

Next, take photos of the accident scene and gather information. Write down the make, model, license plate number, and VIN number from the other vehicle(s) involved, as well as names, addresses, birth dates, phone numbers, insurance companies, and contact information for all other drivers and passengers involved in the crash.

Important: Don’t give a recorded statement to your own insurance company or the other parties’ insurance companies until you’ve spoken with an attorney. Don’t sign any papers from the other insurance company either until you know your legal rights.

Riding a motorcycle is a great way for women who are widowed or divorced to enjoy the thrill of biking and meet new people. Remember to ride safely, review your insurance coverage, and take the proper steps after an accident to protect your legal rights – so that you can enjoy many more happy and healthy riding seasons.

Attorney Edgar Snyder has over 45 years of experience helping injury victims. His Pennsylvania-based law firm, Edgar Snyder & Associates, has represented hundreds of bikers and is active in the biker community. The Edgar Snyder & Associates’ Harley-Davidson makes appearances at bike nights and rallies throughout the riding season. For more information, visit EdgarSnyder.com.

By Angela Matson

When times are hard in the workplace, the family is often the epicenter of suffering. Today’s depressed economy is putting unprecedented strains on parents, who must plan for an uncertain future and face up to a number of often unrealized dreams. Not knowing what lies ahead can bring disappointment, stress, and even anger. A number of reports have linked the down economy to an increase in domestic violence incidents and many starting a career as a criminologist are beginning to grapple with how to deal with the problem.

The news is not all bad, however. By learning to manage expectations and stress, potential perpetrators can avoid outbursts–and by understanding the warning signs, incidents can be stymied by victims and others before the damage reaches its full throttle.

A national survey published in early 2012 found that rates of domestic violence have risen steeply in the face of the economic downturn. The survey, with collected data from more than 700 police agencies, showed an increase of 40% over the results of a similar 2010 study.  The National Domestic Abuse Hotline, an agency based in Austin, Texas, has also seen a rise in calls from men and women seeking help with problems of domestic abuse. Spokeswoman Ritha Fielding notes on the hotline’s website that volunteers are reporting that many of the callers cite money problems as a cause of abuse.

Naturally, financial problems are a serious source of stress within a family, no matter the economic outlook. The problem today is that a disproportionately high number of people find themselves with money woes. Not all family members will react to these stressors in the same way. Violence is not always a given, but it does seem to be happening more and more.

Domestic violence is usually understood to encompass a rather wide pattern of abuses. It often involves physical battering and sexual abuse, but can also include emotional isolation, controlling behaviors, or intimidation. Within the home, family members can work to stop abuse by acknowledging and managing stress and reaching out for help. Although males can certainly be victims of domestic abuse, the majority of cases involve female victims.

What Men Can Do
The Respect Helpline, a hotline for domestic abuse perpetrators, offers help to those who have abused or who are trying to avoid abusing someone they love. The hotline’s number one piece of advice is to reach out for help, and counselors and volunteers are always more than happy to talk through anger and frustration with callers. There are resources available to assist all members of a family, many of them free, but in order to get help, the family must first ask.

The National Domestic Abuse Hotline also offers services and referrals for individuals who want help for their abusive behavior. Their website offers information on how to tell if you are being abusive. Many perpetrators are surprised to learn that yelling, cursing, controlling and using demeaning names can all be considered abusive.

Interventions for perpetrators of domestic violence center on treating the underlying causes of the behavior, which are frequently patterns that have developed over many years. The process of changing these patterns can also be a long one. The number one thing that an abuser can do is to remove him or herself from a potentially explosive situation. For long-term change to happen, the abuser must also learn new ways to cope with stressors that can touch off negative interactions.

What Women Can Do
It is important for women to recognize the signs of abuse, and to have a safety plan in place.
Signs of abuse are not always as obvious as violent physical attacks. Extreme jealousy and controlling behavior, financial control such as withholding money for necessary expenses or taking away possessions, the use of demeaning names and screaming are all forms of abuse. Women are naturally nurturers and often want to do whatever they can to fix a situation, even if it means being submissive. It can be especially difficult for a woman to stand up for herself when the family is suffering financially, and she may even find herself lashing out in anger. Keeping control of emotions and keeping an eye on safety are keys to avoiding an explosive situation.

Experts from the National Domestic Abuse Hotline recommend documenting the abuse and planning for safety. This includes keeping a “safety bag” in the house that would contain items needed in case of a quick departure. Avoiding an abusive or dangerous situation is always the safest route and children should be instructed to go for help if needed and to never get involved in any sort of altercation.

In any type of domestic violence emergency, the first thing to do is to call 911. Emergency responders can assist with immediate safety. Alternatively, for emergency or preventive advice, the National Domestic Abuse Hotline (800-799-SAFE) offers counseling and advice by phone, and can offer referrals to local counselors for more in-depth help.

Domestic violence is a serious problem. The down economy seems to be bringing it out, but financial troubles and uncertainty are never an excuse for abuse. Being aware of triggers, focusing on the positive, and having a plan in place are three of the best ways to keep domestic violence in check. Professionals are always on hand to offer advice and counseling, as well. Working together and being proactive are two of the best ways to stamp out the problem.

Angela Matson holds a BA in Psychology and has previously worked as a counselor for at-risk youth. She currently works as a part-time freelance writer to free up time to be a stay-at-home mother.

By Dr. Susan Bartell

The month of May is all about graduations, moving up ceremonies and commencements. It is a time to feel a little sad about “how fast they grow up”, and to feel joyous about the wonderful milestones and accomplishments. This year I have, a child graduating from high school, another from middle school, and two nieces leaving elementary school!

Whether your child is facing a significant graduation, or simply moving from one grade to the next, this time of year is filled with mixed feelings, not only for you, but for your child as well. You might be surprised to learn, that not all kids are excited or happy about leaving a school, grade or teacher. Many are sad to leave the classroom in which they have accomplished so much, or the routine to which they have become accustomed. They may miss a teacher with whom they have formed a strong relationship, and they often worry that they won’t have friends in their class next year.

Of course, some kids make the transition easily and are excited to move on and up! Never the less, just about every child feels some small worry and ambivalence about transitioning.  In order to help your child face the transition in a positive and optimistic manner, it is important to be aware of the feelings that he or she may be experiencing. Here are a few ideas that will help you and your child say goodbye to this school year in a positive and optimistic way:

Focus on facts: Remind your child about all that he learned during this school year, and point out that next year will be just as productive. For example, this year he may have read his first chapter book, but next year, he’ll read a whole series! This year he learned how to play basketball, but next year he’ll be a comfortable part of the team. The more you focus on positive milestones to reach in the upcoming year, the easier it will be for your child to be excited, rather than ambivalent.

Make memories: Saying goodbye to people and places is a natural part of life, and one that your child will confront many, many times over the course of a lifetime. It is important to validate your child’s sad feelings and help her cope with them. Give her a camera and encourage her to take it to school and take pictures and video that will document the building, classroom, teachers and classmates.  Help her create an album or scrapbook with the pictures that she can keep as a positive reminder of this school year.

Encourage emotion: Most kids have been socialized (by the media and their peers) to believe that they should be thrilled that school is ending. However, many children and teens enjoy the learning, the structure, and the time with friends, much more than they value a long vacation. However, they keep these feelings hidden because they don’t think it is ‘normal’ or ‘cool’ to feel sad about school ending. You can help your child understand his feelings, but reminding him that all feelings are normal and that it is okay to be upset about school ending. The more opportunities your child has to talk about his feelings, the more easily he will make the transition.

You should not be embarrassed to talk about your feelings as your child grows up. It can be beneficial to talk to other parents in order to share feelings about your child (and you) reaching these milestones. Remember that all feelings are ‘normal’!

Dr. Susan Bartell is America’s #1 Family Psychologist. Her latest book is The Top 50 Questions Kids Ask. You can learn more about her at www.drsusanbartell.com.

By Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC

“Facebooking” and “YouTubing” are no longer just a “cute” thing kids do for fun to pass the time. Not understanding the risks associated with the many social media outlets poses a huge potential problem to the safety and well-being of our children.

To keep them safe, online activity is something that needs to be monitored closely. To fully understand the potential dangers, we, as parents/teachers/child advocates need to educate ourselves and then stay aware of what our children are doing online.

I read the headlines daily, and see sad story after sad story about a child who was not supervised by engaged parents or children whose parents were not aware of their child’s virtual world. If you lose a child due to cyber bullying or depression due to feeling isolated and friendless, it is too late to become involved and ask the questions you need to ask now.

Telling yourself that your child would never be involved in dangerous activities online is denial on a parent’s part. Anyone who has parented a teen understands being proactive is wiser than trying to scramble when bad things happen.

It is time to educate or re-educate parents about the reasons they need to be engaged in their kids’ Internet activity.

Whether it’s browsing websites like YouTube, networking on social media, playing video or other Internet-connected games, or downloading files, every activity poses potential dangers that parents should be aware of.

Before the Internet was so accessible to all children, kids could come home and we, as parents, could ask them how their day was, who they hung out with or had lunch with, or how their activities went after school.

Judging by the child’s response, we could get a fairly good idea of the events and interactions of their day. By just looking at their face or judging their reactions to our questions, we can often understand how their day actually was.

Today children have a world very different from the one we have known.

They have an online world with real people, real events and real drama–one that can easily be hidden from our view and protection.

So, let’s start with a quick quiz. Do you know:

• If your child has a Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, or Tumblr account?
• How they use each social networking site they have?
• How many “friends” do they have? Do they personally know all of those friends?
• If they have more than one Facebook page?
• ALL of their friends and connections on each site? Do they?
• How much time your child spends online in general?
• What your child does on YouTube?
• If the video games they play connect to the Internet?

Each of these questions represents online activity most kids use almost daily.

By using these social media and search vehicles and playing video games online, they can be whoever they want, talk to anyone they want, or research anything they want. And until we communicate with them about the happenings in that digital world, we are missing out on what’s going on in their entire world.

I recommend two avenues:

1. Daily communication of what happened online. Questions might include:

• “Where did you spend your time online today–IM, Facebook, games, surfing, etc?”
• “Did you make any new friends?”
• “Have you noticed anyone having trouble? I read a lot about cyber bullying.”
• “Did you play any new online games today?”
• “Would you mind showing that (whatever it may be) to me?”

I would also suggest proper etiquette rules of Facebook and texts. I would check their phone for inappropriate photos and go over those rules and consequences prior to giving them the phone (it is a privilege after all…not a necessity).
2. Restricting Internet use to a public space such as the kitchen or family room and allowing kids on the computer only when you are home.

• Managing your computer’s own settings for password control.
• Adding software-based controls to your computer.
• Ensuring that privacy settings on all Internet-based accounts are set to your standards. This includes sites like Facebook, but also YouTube and online photo sites like Snapfish or Picasso.
• Add a service to monitor your children’s activity on sites like Facebook, Twitter and YouTube to send you alerts based around your child’s activities.
• Checking to ensure these same settings and measures are also used on cellular phones that have Internet access.

While there is no perfect solution, a combination of these measures and daily interactions will help provide your child with a safe online experience. As always, we recommend you keep the conversations around Internet safety open and positive so expectations and rules are made cut and dry.

In a place where predators are present, cyber bullying is increasing,and defaming the reputations of others happens rampantly, we need to be keeping a very close eye.

As we enter 2012, I, along with my partner, TrueCare.com, will continue to help parents understand that they do need to be monitoring their kids online. There has never been a more vulnerable time in your child’s life where what you don’t know really can hurt you (and your child). We want to move the needle in raising awareness and make “monitoring kids online” the next “buckle your seat belt” campaign.

By Denise Stahl, Executive Director, UPMC Palliative and Supportive Institute

Families are often given the difficult job of making critical decisions about the care of their loved ones who have become seriously ill and are unable to speak for themselves. But all too often, families are making those decisions without knowing exactly what their loved ones would have wanted. That’s why UPMC is joining with healthcare leaders across the country to encourage families to start the conversation about advance care planning for National Healthcare Decisions Day on April 16.

Advance care planning is the process of planning ahead for future medical care should you become unable to make your own decisions due to a life-limiting illness or injury. The best time to think about advance care planning is before you are sick so that you understand what your options are and can communicate them to your loved ones and your doctor.  An advance directive, or living will, is a written document stating your wishes that guides the decisions of the health care team and provides comfort to your family.

Studies have shown more than 70 percent of Americans have thought about end-of-life preferences, yet only about 29 percent have an advance directive. And although about 70 percent of people also say they want to die at home, 70 percent actually die in hospitals.

Why the discrepancies? Experts say the hardest part of advance care planning is starting conversations with your loved ones. It can be uncomfortable to talk about death, especially our own or the death of someone you are close to. But there are several ways to make the conversation easier. How about taking advantage of conversation triggers, such as current events, movies, newspaper articles, funerals, sermons or medical checkups.? Use these events as opportunities to ask your loved one what would be important to them at the end of their life, if they would want to be home or in a hospital, or if they would want symptoms such as pain managed. Also, don’t feel like you have to tackle every issue with one discussion. Make plans to continue the discussion at another time and talk several times about it if need be.

At UPMC, we regularly encourage both our patients and our employees to plan ahead and develop advance directives to guide loved ones with decisions regarding end of life care. There are many resources online that can be used including Five Wishes, an easy-to-use guide to create living wills and durable powers of attorney for medical decisions.  You can visit the group’s website at www.agingwithdignity.com for more information.

Studies have shown families that engage in the advance care planning process have less stress, confusion, and guilt about their decisions.  Don’t wait until it’s too late. Start the conversation today with your loved ones.

You’re all dressed up and sitting across from your sweetie at a fancy restaurant. The flowers have been given, the wine uncorked, the entrees ordered, the pleasantries exchanged. Now what? Unless you’re in the “can’t stop talking and gazing into each other’s eyes” throes of new love, right about now is when the awkward silence descends. So why can’t you think of anything meaningful to say?

It’s true. When you’ve just met “the one,” conversation seems to flow effortlessly. Add ten years and a couple of kids and the proverbial cat gets your tongue.

“Maybe laundry undone and bills unpaid have crowded out topics like childhood dreams and the meaning of life,” notes Andrew Sobel, author (along with coauthor Jerold Panas) of Power Questions: Build Relationships, Win New Business, and Influence Others (Wiley, February 2012, ISBN: 978-11181196-3-1, $22.95). “Or maybe you’ve just gotten lazy. But nine times out of ten the spark can be revived—and you don’t have to wow your partner with your insights or intellect. You just have to ask the right questions.”

Really showing someone you care has little to do with chocolates or flowers, he insists. Relationships, whether at work or at home, deepen and grow when you take a sincere interest in the other person and invest time to learn about who they are and what they care about. Thoughtful questions are the way you do this.

“Power questions are called that because they give power to your conversations and to the other person,” explains Sobel. “They make you stop talking and start listening. They help you learn things about a loved one that—I guarantee you—you didn’t know. And best of all they make the other person feel loved, valued, and worthwhile.”

If you have a romantic partner, Sobel recommends you try these questions on special occasions. If you don’t have a romantic partner at the moment, he assures you that they also impact anyone else you love—a parent, a child, or just a good friend.

1. What are your dreams? Sit down with a cup of coffee—or a glass of wine—and allow some silence. Smile warmly. Ask this question with no elaboration—don’t mess it up with other words. Then wait.

“This is a deceptively simple question—deceptive because of its power,” notes Sobel. “Most of us are afraid to ask it. What if the answer is something we don’t want to hear? And yet, the conversation it sets in motion can transform lives in exciting ways.”

2. What would you say has been the happiest day of your life? (and Why did you choose that day?) Think of this question as the start of a much longer conversation. Why did the person choose that particular day? What other days have been happy ones? What is happiness, for him or her, anyway? Is it the same thing as joy or contentment? Allow an hour at least!

“Sometimes we have huge misconceptions about our partner—even if it’s someone we’ve lived with for 30 years,” says Sobel. “You may discover you have been projecting your own feelings and beliefs onto him or her.”

3. Can you tell me about your plans? We are all so FULL of our own plans, notes Sobel. Our own priorities. Our own goals. Our own stories. When we really, truly focus on our partner—not just use what he or she says as a springboard to talk about ourselves—we learn amazing things.

“Ask this about anything: the other person’s career, their upcoming vacation, their weekend,” Sobel suggests. “Instead of talking about your plans—or what you think the other person’s plans should be—ask the questions and just listen.”

4. What do you think… (about this idea, news event, etc.)? “My coauthor on Power Questions, Jerry Panas, calls these the FOUR WORDS,” explains Sobel. “They are very simple: ‘What do you think?’ You’d be surprised how many people are never or rarely asked these four words. They can unleash a marvelous conversation—and help you make a warm connection.”

5. What do you wish you could spend more time on each week? Less time? Actually, this is a good one to ask if you got a blank stare or an eye roll when you asked your partner about his or her dreams, says Sobel. In some ways you’re asking the same thing—just in more pragmatic language.

“I ask this question a lot in business relationships and I find it gets the other person talking about what they really love and enjoy in their lives,” says Sobel. “I get to know them so much better. An added benefit, when you ask it of a partner, is that sometimes you can help them figure out a way to change their day-to-day reality.”

6. Can you tell me something about yourself that I don’t already know—and that might surprise me? This question can reveal surprising, even astonishing things about someone you thought you knew well. “A friend of mine once answered this by telling me ‘I spent a night in jail in Lubbock, Texas,’” says Sobel. “Someone else said, ‘I rode on Air Force One with President Lyndon B. Johnson.’ Yet a third revealed they had been jilted the day before their planned wedding!”

Try it out yourself, he suggests. You may not find out anything that dramatic—but then again, you might!

7. Right now, what are you most passionate or excited about in your life? “This is what I call a ‘passion question,’” says Sobel. “When you tap into people’s passions, they come alive and the conversation comes alive. All of a sudden you’re not just chit-chatting about mindless trivia. You’re talking about the stuff that lights us on fire!”

8. What would you say gives you the most fulfillment in your life? This comes at passion from a slightly different angle from the previous question. Maybe the answer will be the same. Maybe not. But a conversation about what fulfills us in our lives is always a rich and rewarding one.

9. What are you doing this week that I could help you with or support you on? Even if the answer is nothing, you’ll make the other person feel supported and loved. If there is something—well, it’s a good day when you can identify how to help someone else.

“Remember, ‘from everyone to whom much is given, much shall be required,’” says Sobel. “Maybe you can run an errand for your spouse. Or help a friend with an unpleasant task. It could be that simple.”

10. Can I share with you the reasons why I love you so much? (or, value you so much as a friend?; or, enjoy spending time with you?; or, am so proud of you?; etc.) Think this one through beforehand, suggests Sobel. Really ponder it. One of the greatest gifts you can give someone—a spouse, a child, a friend—is to share with them why you think they are so special. Why you treasure them. Why you love being around them.

So…pick a question (or two or three of them) and give it a try.

“It may feel a little alien to you at first but it will get amazing results,” promises Sobel. “And it sure beats carrying on a monologue about your workday, discussing your child’s C in geometry, or sitting in uncomfortable silence. Power questions create power conversations…which create power relationships.”

About the Authors:

Andrew Sobel is the most widely published author in the world on client loyalty and the capabilities required to build trusted business relationships. His first book, the bestsellingClients for Life, defined an entire genre of business literature about client loyalty. His other books include Making Rain and the award-winning All for One: 10 Strategies for Building Trusted Client Partnerships.

For 30 years, Andrew has worked as both a consultant to senior management and as an executive educator and coach. His clients have included leading corporations such as Citigroup, Xerox, and Cognizant; as well as professional service firms such as Ernst & Young, Booz Allen Hamilton, Towers Watson, and many others. His articles and work have been featured in a variety of publications such as the New York Times, Business Week, and theHarvard Business Review. Andrew is a graduate of Middlebury College and earned his MBA at Dartmouth’s Tuck School.

Andrew is an acclaimed keynote speaker who delivers idea-rich, high-energy speeches and seminars at major conferences and events. His topics include Developing Clients for Life; Creating a Rainmaking Organization; Collaborating to Grow Revenue; The Beatles Principles; and Power Questions That Win New Business. He can be reached at http://andrewsobel.com.

Jerry Panas is executive partner of Jerold Panas, Linzy & Partners, one of the world’s most highly regarded firms in the field of fundraising services and financial resource development. His firm has served over 2,500 client-institutions since its founding in 1968. Jerry’s clients comprise many of the foremost not-for-profit institutions in the world. They include every major university, museum, and healthcare center in the United States. Internationally, Jerry has advised organizations as diverse as the University of Oxford, The American Hospital in Paris, and Nuestros Pequeños Hermanos in Mexico, the largest orphanage in the world.

Jerry is the author of 13 popular books, including the all-time bestsellers Asking and Mega Gifts. He is founder and chairman of the board of the Institute for Charitable Giving, one of the most significant providers of training in philanthropy.

Because of the prominence of the firm and the impact of Jerry’s writing, few have had a greater influence in the history of the profession. He is a favorite speaker at conferences and workshops across the nation and internationally. He can be reached at http://jeroldpanas.com.

About the Book:
Power Questions: Build Relationships, Win New Business, and Influence Others (Wiley, February 2012, ISBN: 978-11181196-3-1, $22.95) is available at bookstores nationwide and all major online booksellers.

By Jeff Gitterman

Most classic success stories go something like this: “I had nothing, then discovered a new way of thinking, turned my life around and got everything I ever wanted…”   I could tell you one such story.  I really did go from debt and depression to everything I’d ever wanted—in the space of just two years.  I started my own company, rose to the top of my profession and increased my income many times over from what I had been making.  I got the money, the house, the car: the life of my dreams. But that’s not really what this is about.

I started working in the financial field in 1990.  I knew that I wanted to help people, and I also wanted to make money.  That year, I made about $22,000.  Ten years later I had clawed and climbed my way up to about $26,000, while also trying to support a wife and two kids, falling months behind with the mortgage payments, scared and unsure of my future.  I had credit card debt, mortgage debt, and I would hide my car every day because the finance company told me they were coming to repossess it.  Things looked pretty bleak.

One day, I was getting out of my car and about to walk into a prospect’s house to try and sell a term life policy.  I was way behind on my bills, and my mind was going on and on about how much I needed the sale. Desperation poured out of me as I caught my reflection in the car window.  I stopped, looked hard at that reflection and said to myself, “Who would want to buy anything from you?  Look at how desperate you look!”

And then I figured something out.  I had an epiphany—or an enlightened moment, whatever you want to call it, where I realized I was going about things completely the wrong way.  I realized that I was focused on what I wanted, but not on what I was willing to give in order to get what I wanted, and as long as I approached my business in this way, I would never succeed.

I thought of the successful people in my office and realized that to some extent, they all had a confidence about themselves that I sorely lacked.  And so I decided in that moment that I needed to drop my desperate, needy attitude and walk into this prospect’s house with the confidence of someone who didn’t want anything.  I took one last look at my reflection and saw that I had taken on an air of serenity, and that’s when I began to realize that I really didn’t need anything, that deep down there was nothing for me to get.  I dropped my need to make a sale. I became still and quiet.

I soon began to approach more of my clients this way, putting all my attention on them, without any desire or expectation for myself personally.  And to my amazement, my meetings really started to transform and my success as a financial advisor grew exponentially.

From my observations and experience as a financial advisor, it seems that many people getting out of college are in the same rut that I was in.  They know what they want to get, but no one along the way ever told them that they’d have to be willing to give something first.  Many, if not most of us have been taught to focus on getting the big dollars and the big job, whatever it is, but we rarely come to understand that what we get really has nothing to do with what we want to get.

If you’re solely focused on what you want to get, chances are you’ll get nothing.  But when you figure out what you want to give and what you want to be—you can then have whatever you want.  It’s a weird paradox, but the truth is that when you let go of wanting anything, you can have everything.

Although it sounds like a bit of a cliché, I was able to see firsthand as I was going through my own crisis around wealth and success that the more I gave to others; the more I received in return. I quickly began accomplishing more in the world and my income grew substantially.  In addition to starting my own financial firm, I also became the chairman of the advisory board to The Autism Center of New Jersey Medical School, and started a fund- raiser that we now hold every year, which to date has raised over a million dollars for autism research.

From these experiences, I discovered at a deep level that the more I gave to others, the more complete and happy I felt.  I literally started to go to client meetings with absolutely no regard for needing to make money or anything else. I would simply walk in, shut out the outside world for the hour or two that I was there and put 100 percent of my attention on my clients.

Unfortunately, too many of us spend our whole lives waiting to get something from the world so that we can show up as the person we always knew we could be.  Deep in our hearts we think there’s something missing. But when we flip that mindset, we can discover that by becoming a giver rather than a taker, we can become agents for change in the world.  In the end, it was only through giving to others that I was able to find the kind of happiness that I was really looking for. This is one of the main things I learned when I began to look for what might lie “beyond success.”

Adapted from Beyond Success: Redefining the Meaning of Prosperity – © 2009 Jeffrey L. Gitterman – All rights reserved – Published by AMACOM Books – A Division of the American Management Association – www.amacombooks.org.

Jeff Gitterman is an award winning financial advisor and the CEO of Gitterman & Associates Wealth Management, LLC. www.gawmllc.com.  In 2004, he was honored by Fortune Small Business Magazine as “One of Our Nation’s Best Bosses,” and his first book, Beyond Success; Redefining the Meaning of Prosperity, was recently published by the American Management Association (AMACOM) www.BeyondSuccessConsulting.com .

Over the past several years, Jeff has been featured in Money Magazine, CNN, Financial Advisor, London Glossy, Affluent Magazine, and New Jersey Business Journal, among others.  He also serves as chairman of the advisory board to the Autism Center of New Jersey Medical School, an organization that to date has raised over a million dollars for autism research and support services.

By Deborah Brown-Volkman, PCC 

Most people are embarrassed if they are unemployed. They feel like they failed and are ashamed to talk about their current status. Or, they are back to work after a long stretch of not working, but are worried it might not last. Thus, their fears prevent them from performing as well as they could.

Bad things happen to the best of us. Maybe you had a job you loved and were let go. Maybe you knew your employment was going to end, or maybe it was a surprise. Maybe you are not sure who you are these days anymore because your previous job defined you. Maybe you wish things would just go back to the way they were. Maybe you hope the uncertainty will end already.

The biggest fear my clients have is how do they talk about what happened in a positive way. Especially, when they are not feeling very positive about their situation. They worry they will be judged and no one will listen to their story.

You don’t have to dread the question: “Why have you been unemployed for so long?” Rather expect it, embrace it, and have an answer ready that makes both you and the interviewer, (Or anyone you are networking with), feel good about themselves.

You can’t change what people will ask you. You can change how you react to it. It’s not what happened that defines you or decreases your chances of securing a new position. Rather, it’s your words and how you convey your words, that make the biggest impact.

So, How Do You Talk About Why You Are Unemployed In A Powerful And Impactful Way?

Follow These 3 Steps Below.

1. Stick With The Facts

Rather than get into he said/she said, gossip, blame, anger, or any other emotion you are feeling, just state what happened. You were let go. Your company reorganized. You got a new boss or division head that cut your department. Your position was given to someone else or outsourced. Your job was eliminated. Yes, there were consequences to your life as a result of that elimination, but how you feel about what happened is irrelevant. You are still able to do your job and do it well.

Does it hurt to lose a position? Yes. Does everyone need to know how hurt you are? No. There are people outside of your work life who can help you through your hurt feelings. A person you are interviewing or networking with is not one of them.

2. Talk About What You Have Been Doing Since You Were Let Go

Have you taken classes to update your skills? Talk about them. Have you been volunteering? Bring this up. Have you been job searching? Talk about your search, how you organize your day, contact list, interviews, follow-up. You’ve been busy; not sitting around. Just because you aren’t being paid to work, doesn’t mean you haven’t been working. Your full time job has been looking for a new job. This means something, so be proud, and do not be ashamed of your efforts.

3. Discuss How You Are A Better Person Or Employee Because Of What Has Happened To You

You are no longer the same person you were before being let go. You may feel at times that you are worse off, but the truth is you are better. You have strength because you are dealing with a situation that you once believed you would not be able to handle. You have courage because you get up every day and you keep looking. You have persistence because you keep following up with the same people over and over again. You have humility because you’ve had to ask for help. You have empathy because you know what it’s like to be in this situation. You have a different perspective because you know now that work is a piece of your life and not the whole pie. When you return to work, and YOU WILL RETURN TO WORK, you will be grateful for your job and be happy to be there; things you may not have felt before.

So, what do you say? You only have one life to live, so it might as well be a life you love!

Deborah Brown-Volkman, PCC, is the President of Surpass Your Dreams, Inc. a successful career, life, and mentor coaching company that works with Senior Executives, Vice Presidents, and Managers who are looking for new career opportunities or seek to become more productive in their current role. She is the author of “Coach Yourself To A New Career”, “Don’t Blow It! The Right Words For The Right Job” and “How To Feel Great At Work Everyday.” Deborah can be reached at http://www.surpassyourdreams.com or at (631) 874-2877.

c.2012, Strebor Books $24.00 / $27.99 Canada 247 pages

You almost can’t believe it.

It began when your man started staying late after work. Said he had extra projects, but when you called him, he didn’t answer the phone. Then he started disappearing on weekends and taking long showers when he came home. Now you’ve discovered pictures of other women on his phone and mysterious numbers in his address book.

You don’t want to believe that he’s cheating on you but he might be and, according to authors Maxwell Billieon and Ray J, there may be a simple reason why he’s doing it. In the new book “Death of the Cheating Man,” they explain.

The world is filled with temptation.

Maxwell Billieon says that’s the reason why he wrote this book: because both men and women need to know how to beat infidelity to save their relationships and families. Cheating, he says, is everywhere and it’s because of two things: men like to conquer and they’ve never learned how not to cheat.

Billieon cites a recent poll stating that 74 percent of men said they’d cheat on their wives if they knew they wouldn’t get caught. But what men see as cheating and what women see as cheating are often two different things.

Men see no problem with flirting. Porn is not off-limits to them. They think it’s okay to have a secret female friend or to have internet sex, but these activities are all viewed by their wives as a threat.

There are many different kinds of cheaters, says Billieon, just as there are many ways for a man to step out on his woman. And as it often happens, women will cheat as a way to get back at their man who cheated.

Billieon says that there are ways to stop this insanity. Sit down with your partner and discuss The New Monogamy, which may include a once-a-year “hall pass.”  Discuss how infidelity has consequences. Stop expecting prominent men to be “more than human.” Teach your man to be faithful and be his “ride-or-die” woman.

Oh, my. Where do I begin?

“Death of the Cheating Man” is a wobbly book.

On one hand, there are beneficial, helpful passages in these pages, a few of which make enough sense that it’s sometimes hard not to agree with what authors Maxwell Billieon and Ray J (who’s been linked with Whitney Houston) say.

On the other hand, it’s astounding to see statements like this: “Women are afraid of truthful men…” or “… human females have way too much information and that has messed up the natural state of things.” That sounded pretty outrageous to me, particularly when you add in the advice on giving your man what he wants, when he wants it.

I won’t even mention the fact that a “hall pass” is still cheating…

I think that there’s good advice in this book, but it’s going to require not just a grain of salt, but a whole buckets’ worth. For most smart, strong women, though, “Death of the Cheating Man” is unbelievably unhelpful.