Pittsburgh Better Times

A Lifestyle Publication for the Pittsburgh Community

4 Ways To Improve Your Loved One’s Final Moments

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Ginni Simpson head shotBy Virginia A. Simpson, Ph.D., FT

Years ago, on my first day on the ward of a hospice facility, an elderly woman named Cecilia arrived. The nurses told me she had dementia, was incapable of speaking, and because she couldn’t understand anything people around her were saying, there was no reason to talk to her.

I entered her room and sat down next to her. Because I’d seen a film called “Peege,” when I was an undergraduate student, I knew that people with dementia might respond well when they are spoken to directly. I wanted to treat her with respect so I introduced myself. “Hi, I’m Ginni,” I said, and asked if I could hold her hand and sit with her for a while.

“Yes, Ginni. I’d like that,” she replied.

Not only was I delighted to hear her voice, I was surprised that she’d heard my name and pronounced it correctly since most people think I’ve said Jenny or Jeanie when I first introduce myself. This moment went against everything the nurses had assumed would happen.   It’s likely that they’d told other people coming into contact with Cecilia the same thing they’d told me thus setting her up for encounters filled with silence. [Read more…]

Dating After Losing a Spouse or Partner

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By Wendy Bailey

Dating after losing a spouse or partner can be very difficult for the new widow or widower. Grief is the biggest obstacle to dating. The feeling of loss can create a deep void in the person.

During these times of difficulties, loneliness would set in. The idea of dating someone new and establishing another relationship can become a source of tension and fear. Feelings of guilt may also overwhelm the person.

Grieving Process

Death of a loved one is the most devastating feeling of all. Moving on means to go through the grieving process and decide to pick up the pieces all over again. This may prove to be a real challenge to most new widow or widower.

The grieving process varies for each individual. There are various elements that come into play to determine how long the grieving will last. These elements include:

  • the kind of relationship you share with your partner
  • the manner of your partnerís death
  • the culture and family background of the widow/widower
  • individual psychological reaction to grieving

The right time to start a new relationship after the partner passes away will be determined by the above mentioned factors. The closer the couple were, the more time the widow or widower may need to recover and move on.

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Recovering From Depression after Losing a Spouse or Partner

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By Wendy Bailey

Losing a spouse is an extremely difficult thing to go through. In fact, it is so challenging that many people develop depression. Recovering from this depression is also a hard task to face. Many who lose a loved one will find that the healing process can be long and arduous. There is not a right way to heal after a death. It’s best to grieve in your own way. However, the following information can be useful if you are trying to recover from the depression of losing your spouse or partner.

Signs of Depression

If you have lost a spouse or partner, then you may be dealing with depression. Here are some common symptoms to look out for:

– A loss of appetite
– Withdrawn from society
– Difficulty sleeping
– Strained relationships with family and friends
– Deterioration of health
– Dissatisfaction at work

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I Said I Will

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By Jerry Wollaston

The story actually begins in the late 1950’s. Two kids finding each other in the fifth grade in small town Oklahoma. Quickly discovering we were somehow very special to each other and getting married at the age of twenty.

The years we had together, the good times and the bad, were just a prelude to the final fight we would face.

On December 3, 2008 I had just finished feeding my cattle. I called home to see if Susan needed anything from town before I came home. She had left for a visit with her doctor just before I went to feed. When my wife of thirty-eight years answered the phone I immediately knew something was wrong.

“What did the doctor have to say?”

“He said he thinks I have cancer.”

For the next seven months we fought the fight of our lives. On June 19, 2009 we were told the fight had been won. My wife had beaten the monster – she was cancer free. Her pain, however, was relentless. Another month of battling the constant pain resulted in a request for a PET scan. Two days after the PET scan I received a call from my wife’s oncologist.

“Your wife has two weeks to live.”

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Loss, Grief and the Work-of-Grief: A Different Perspective

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By A. Barbara Coyne, Ph.D, MSN

Loss: Ever-Present in Living

“The hour that gives us life begins to take it away”…Seneca, first century philosopher

In the unfolding spiral of living, loss is inevitable and universal. If we heed the wisdom of Seneca, we know that we experience loss from the moment of birth until our own death. And throughout the subsequent twenty centuries, we have known that grief is the natural companion of all loss. Although much of what we know about grief is rooted in post-death grief, we also know that we experience other losses: we are connected to people, animals and things and when any of those connections break, we grieve and mourn. Some of these “other losses” include but are not limited to: loss of a job or home, friends who move away or choose to no longer be our friends, chronic but not life-threatening health conditions, divorce, separation and, of course, death (of people or beloved animals).

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Hanging Out In The Widdahood

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By Catherine Tidd

This may sound a little strange…but I’ve had two lives.

My first life was pretty typical:  House in the ‘burbs, nice husband who was pretty easy on the eyes, three kids I was sometimes tempted to put out on the driveway with a sign that said “free to a good home” but who were overall pretty good.

My second life started in July of 2007 when I suddenly became the “it could be worse” person of my social circle.  You know…that girl who, when you’re having a bad day, you think, “At least I’m not her!”

Not really who I wanted to be in my early 30s.

I became that person because my husband was in an accident on his way to work and died a few days later, leaving me to raise three small children on my own.

That’s right.  At the ripe old age of 31, I became a widow and the most “single” single mother I know.

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There is Life After Loss: Widow Helps Others Along their Healing Journeys

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Carole Brody Fleet

By Daniel Casciato

After caring for her husband Mike (a national record-holding police officer) through his over-two-year battle with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS; or what is more commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease), Carole Brody Fleet became a widow on December 19, 2000. For her, it was a journey that culminated in physical and emotional shambles for the two of them as well as complete financial ruin.

Fleet, who has one daughter, Kendall, was married to her late husband for five and a half years, and were the best of friends for almost 20 years. She learned to cope with her husband’s loss by coming to understand two fundamentally important facts.

“Going into the fetal position and staying in a place of pain and grief was not going to be an option,” says Fleet. “Also, that just by being here, my daughter and I were still entitled to a life of happiness and abundance – and that it was up to me to show my daughter the path(s) to doing just that.”

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Going Through Life’s Hardships: How One Woman Rebuilt Her Life After Becoming a Widow and a Divorcee

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Joan Koonce

Becoming a widow soon after she was married at a young age was emotionally devastating for Joan Koonce of Athens, Georgia.

“I really enjoyed being married and loved my husband dearly,” says Koonce,  an Associate Professor and Financial Planning Specialist for the University of Georgia. “He was the first person that I truly loved. I was happy and excited about our new life together.”

Koonce got married the first time on November 28, 1992 at age 36. However, about six weeks later (during the first week of January 1993), her husband was diagnosed with leukemia.

“The day the doctor told us that he had leukemia; he initially told me that he did not want to go through treatment,” she recalls. “Without treatment, the doctor indicated that he would only live about another month.  I was devastated with the thought of losing my husband so soon, but then he decided to undergo treatment.”

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Finding Strength through Faith and Writings

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Susanne M. Alexander

Relationship and Marriage Coach Susanne M. Alexander has been a widow for about 18 months. Her husband, Craig A. Farnsworth was just 57 years old when he passed away of brain cancer. They were married for 10 years, a second marriage for both of them.  Alexander has one child and 3 stepchildren, all adults and married, with 3 grandchildren.

The couple started a relationship and marriage education company together, Marriage Transformation, LLC (www.marriagetransformation.com; www.bahaimarriage.net), so part of her life adventure has been deciding whether to stay in this line of work, which Alexander has. In fact, she has decided to re-launch the business. In the weeks before he passed, she wrote and read to him a book to share his fact-based, spirit-guided approach to cancer called Empowered Healing, Creating Quality of Life While Journeying with Cancer. Alexander will start selling it as an eBook. She has completed a number of new relationship books since his passing as well.

One of the actions that was very helpful throughout Craig’s illness was doing blog postings to keep family and friends updated and connected to them. For Alexander, it helped them to process such a huge experience.

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The Importance of Updating Account Beneficiaries

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Donna M. Cheswick

Investment accounts that allow for designated beneficiaries are one of the easiest and direct ways to pass assets to your loved ones upon your death, but this only works if the information is current and up-to-date.

We all live busy lives, sometime there are not enough hours in a day to accomplish everything we want to get done. There are always things we mean to attend to, but figure we’ll get to them eventually.

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