Why knowing exactly what you want in a romantic partner is key to finding “the one”

Does it seem impossible to find the right romantic partner, one who’s perfect for you in all the most important ways?

Well it isn’t. There’s just a secret about how to go about searching that you’ll need to learn. Most of us have at least a few ideas of what we’re looking for in a partner, but—as conventional wisdom would have it—we keep an open mind.  The problem is, the conventional wisdom does not work in most cases.  

And that’s where the secret comes in.  It turns out that having a very clear, detailed vision—or “target”—that describes the characteristics of your perfect romantic partner is key to finding “the one.” That’s because your unconscious mind does all the doing in your life. Functional MRI studies and a great body of psychological research show us that your Unconscious runs everything, while your conscious mind merely observes, its lines all fed to it by your Unconscious. 

For example, research shows that your unconscious mind makes the decision to activate your leg and hip muscles as many as ten seconds before you consciously decide to stand up. When you think you are consciously making that “decision,” you’re actually simply agreeing with the thoughts that your Unconscious has put into your conscious mind.    This is an unconscious habit pattern, similar to reading, speaking in your native language, and driving a car — all skills you no longer need to think about.

But if you consciously want a Perfect Partner who doesn’t fit your relevant unconscious habit patterns with regard to a romantic partner, you won’t find the right person.  I’ll bet you know someone who keeps getting into relationships with the wrong person, thinking they’ve found the right one. That’s what underlies the 50% divorce rate. 

Giving your unconscious mind clear instructions about what to look for is the answer.  To find the right one, you have to consciously tell your unconscious mind exactly the personality characteristics you’d like in your Perfect Partner. Then, you’ll be able to attract the right person, or recognize them when they come along.  The same can be said for achieving other seemingly impossible things.

I can say that with certainty because, among the many tens of thousands of people I have trained in achieving seemingly impossible things, including CEOs and heads of state, 100% of those who did at least most of the assigned work achieved their seemingly impossible objective – including those who sought a Perfect Partner.  I write about this in my book,  Make Your Life a 10,  which also teaches the process I developed called Cybernetic Transposition (CT) that lets you achieve ambitious goals like finding a perfect partner by consciously managing your unconscious mind.  

I also happened to have used this approach to meet my own perfect romantic partner: my “practically perfect in every way” wife.

Here’s the easy way of doing it:

First, go through your memories of all of the people who pop into your conscious mind when you focus on your Heart Chakra (in the center of your chest) and say to your unconscious mind through it, “Please remind me of someone who demonstrated one of the characteristics that I’d like in my Perfect Partner.” Then record the name of the first person that pops into your conscious mind in the first column of a page divided into three columns. 

Next, in the second column, record the single personality characteristic demonstrated by that person that you’d intuitively most like in your Perfect Partner.

In the third column, record a situation in which you remember in which you remember them demonstrating that.

Repeat these three steps daily until you run out of non-redundant personality characteristics you’d like in your Perfect Partner. That usually takes a few days.

Then read the first row of your list and, using your skill of hindsight, imagine that person demonstrating the associated personality characteristic in a way that you’d really like in your Perfect Partner, in your imagination surround the result with an imaginary ball of white light and put it into your Heart Chakra, saying to your unconscious mind through it, “This is one characteristic I’d really like in my Perfect Partner.”

Repeat this process for each of the other rows in your list.

Then say to your unconscious mind via your Heart Chakra, “I have just given you (say the number of) personality characteristics I’d really like in my Perfect Partner. Please bring that person into my life.”

Finally, write a description of your Perfect Partner that incorporates all of your desired personality characteristics.

Then, on a daily basis, read that description into your Heart Chakra and say to your unconscious mind through it, “Please bring my Perfect Partner into my life.”

Your unconscious mind will immediately get to work. Now it’s time for your conscious mind to also get to work. Each day make a list of the people who newly came into your life since you created your Target. Then quickly intuitively rate each of them on each of your listed personality characteristics.

When you rate one of those all 9’s or 10’s, they’re a candidate. So get to know them better, re-rating them each time you talk or meet. 

Your Perfect Partner will have all 10’s.

But be careful: this won’t work if your ratings are wishes as opposed to valid observations. And picking someone who doesn’t really fit what you’re looking for will only get you right back to square one.


Stuart Lichtman is an executive, an entrepreneur, a researcher, consultant, trainer and coach. He has trained over 50,000 people around the world—including CEOs and heads of state—to achieve goals that seem, at first, to be impossible by consciously managing their unconscious minds using the Cybernetic Transposition Process he developed. Creator of the Arintel artificial intelligence data analysis program, he has directed or run 100 companies.

Stuart’s formal education includes undergraduate and graduate work at MIT in engineering, psychology, and artificial intelligence, masters work in applied psychology, and doctoral work in organization development and cross cultural business. He has also conducted extensive research on the unconscious/intuitive bases of success and the individual and collective operation of the human mind.

He is the author of five books, including “The Art of Success, Luck, and Harmony”, “The Impossible as a Matter of Course”, and “How to Get Lots of Money for Anything—Fast” and, most recently, Make Your Life a 10: How to Successfully Do, Have or Be Anything You Want.